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i'm taking a little bit of quiet time. time away from shows and my camera and partying, a little time to catch up, time to watch tv, time to loll around in my bed, time to write, time to breathe, time to think.
i'm thinking about this catch 22 i've got myself in, the way i form my intimate relationships with people--and let's not relegate this to the romantic type because intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex. i'm talking about familial bonds, both blood and otherwise, because i think we all know by now that i [mostly] consider my family of the created variety as opposed to the genetic sort.
april and i talked about this while i was in austin last. the woman helps me sort through my shit, and i have to say, i'm ridiculously thankful for that. she has no problem telling me the things i don't want to hear if she knows i need to hear them. it helps. we talked about the ways in which i seek out people who need me, relationships of ambivalence (whose terminology was this? sara beth's, maybe? she's been helpful, too.), the ways these bonds are cemented, the expectations that fall into place. i have these people in my life who say they love me, but who don't show it. there are the typical expectations of me, but said expectations go unfulfilled on the other end, and it doesn't matter because the offending party knows that i willalways most of the time (and i falter too, let's not kid ourselves) do what i can to play my part.
the catch 22 comes in because, if i stopped fulfilling what i perceive as my role in one of these said relationships, it would hurt me just as much as it does when the disappointment comes from the other end. i'm trying to decide how selfish this is, how to break this pattern. i can see it in so many of my relationships. i am stable, i am constant, i am a rock--and when i make myself unavailable, the shitstorm starts.
i'm thinking about two things, here: a friendship which means a lot to me, which, on one end (mine), means a bit more and has blurred romantic boundaries, and then there's the usual holiday bullshit i go through every year with my family.
this friendship has, over the past two years, been something which has been very important to me. it's faltered, and there's been a lot of anger and resentment which i keep thinking has been cleared up, but now i'm not so sure. add into that mix all these feelings i have (and in my head, that word comes out silly, with a long e--i'm making fun of myself, even if i don't need to be. maybe it makes it easier.), which are, apparently not returned--be it denial, be it a fucked of way of showing affection--and houston, we surely have a problem.
i've been trying to figure out the best way to resolve this, to fix the friendship and suture the tears it's created in that figurative part of my chest that supposedly radiates all the love a person has to give or whatever. i decided physical boundaries were necessary, which helped a bit. emotional boundaries were also put into place, but i think they were misinterpreted somehow, and it feels like this huge chasm. it feels like all the interactions since have been fearsome and partial.
then, if we were to lift all of that, would it go right back to where it was? if so, not good. i suck at holding back. let me rephrase: i don't suck at it; in fact, it's a talent i have. thing is, when i hold back, i become absolutely, relentlessly neurotic, as if i need any help with that.
so, i decided that silence would help. silence and the attempt to make it look like this person meant less to me than she does. this journal entry won't help, either, because i know she'll read it, but i guess that doesn't matter much. i remember her saying some time ago that she has always held me in the highest regard and that she questioned whether i did. the funny thing is that she is and has been one of my closest friends since we met. i can make myself vulnerable to her in ways which are tough for me to do with many others. i have trusted her implicitly (not the case now) and i feel like she's dropped the ball more than once.
so, really, how do we reconcile this problem? i don't know. i am constantly seeking a solution. maybe not in the best, most relevant ways possible. i sent a brief text about it last night and was met with, "i don't know, i have no solutions." so she's given up, she wants me to shut up, she's flipped the switch and, to me, it sounds like she doesn't care anymore. this is where my passive-aggressive side rears its ugly head. all i can think is, fuck it. why bother? i'm not being met head-on, here. i have too little time or space in my life for this bullshit and she's lucky i even bother to begin with. that doesn't seem right, though, not when i love her as much as i do.
and so i find myself coming to the same conclusion she has: i don't know, i have no solutions. i think the difference is that i'm willing to try, and i really don't feel like she is. but then we come back to the catch 22. i try because we all know i will, even though it hurts when she doesn't, but it'll hurt me when i stop, too. fuck.
then we have the problem of the holidays, a time of year which, when i was younger, was my favorite. i remember it being shimmery and perfect the way it's supposed to be when i was a kid. i can't remember when that stopped. maybe when i was in high school, maybe later. i know my attempts to make the holidays special outside of my blood family and within the confines of romantic relationships have failed, too.
i remember jessi and her indifference to thanksgiving with my family, her absence over christmas, and the way she went to bed before midnight on new year's eve and i found myself on our porch in sarasota crying when my mom called. i remember that kat spent a christmas with me and shit went down, but i don't remember specifics, and that's probably a good thing. in fact, i remember very little good coming of our relationship but the lessons i learned to make me the emotional disaster i am now, which i am thankful for. i just wish i wasn't so stubborn that taking my lumps meant trying to take my life. i am such an asshole sometimes.
it's not been any easier since i've been alone. every year becomes a financial struggle. and now that my family's splintered off to different states and i'm not the lone nomad, it makes it infinitely more difficult because, i swear, i'm the only one who gives a shit if we're in the same place for the holidays. it just means so much to me. it's all i want. and i don't know if everyone else just resigns themselves to the fact that it won't happen, and not because it can't, but more because they don't want to do the work. but i can't resign myself. the holidays, to me, mean family, and i do everything in my power to make it work. i ALWAYS make it work, and i can't figure out why this is so hard for everyone else.
thanksgiving was easier this year because there was no question. my grandparents just moved to orlando, they lost their home in miami, they say they're alright, but i want to see it with my own eyes. i want to make sure they're as happy as they can be, given the circumstances.
christmas is a different animal, though. i come up with solutions to get us all in one place and i'm told i'm whining because i place a time limit on a decision. just because i've always made it work doesn't mean that the burden should be made heavier. i'm terrible at planning and bad with money and i'm trying to be responsible on both ends here and make decisions and i'm being delayed because i can't expect that everyone will do their part.
i don't know where the key components of my family will be. i know one half will be in orlando. the other half is questionable. can they make it to florida? if not, i know that the holidays, for me, are not complete without having them all. i also know that this means several hundred more dollars come out of my pocket. this doesn't come without sacrifice.
i just wish someone cared enough to say, "hey, i know what you're trying to accomplish. let me help you plan." i'm not asking for money or gifts. i want my family for christmas because it's a gift i so rarely get. i have these little brothers who are getting bigger by the minute--i barely recognize tommy's voice anymore--and it was my choice to leave, but i try to be there when i can, and i don't think we need to make it anymore difficult. my grandparents are getting older, and one of my greatest fears is losing them. again, my choice to leave. my mom is one of my best friends, and her absence is felt everyday. my choice to leave. i know. it's also my choice to be there when i can, and i do my best, i just wish it didn't have to be this hard.
i want this christmas to be something special. last christmas was so difficult for me. it was the first one away from my mom, my brothers. it was so quiet. it hurt. christmas day was the last time i saw my dad alive. maybe i just want my gift to be feeling loved by my family in addition to having them present. i want to feel supported and present and like someone's proud of me, and the recognition of loss, even though no one ever thought it could be as hard as it's been. i wish that didn't feel like asking too much.
i'm thinking about this catch 22 i've got myself in, the way i form my intimate relationships with people--and let's not relegate this to the romantic type because intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex. i'm talking about familial bonds, both blood and otherwise, because i think we all know by now that i [mostly] consider my family of the created variety as opposed to the genetic sort.
april and i talked about this while i was in austin last. the woman helps me sort through my shit, and i have to say, i'm ridiculously thankful for that. she has no problem telling me the things i don't want to hear if she knows i need to hear them. it helps. we talked about the ways in which i seek out people who need me, relationships of ambivalence (whose terminology was this? sara beth's, maybe? she's been helpful, too.), the ways these bonds are cemented, the expectations that fall into place. i have these people in my life who say they love me, but who don't show it. there are the typical expectations of me, but said expectations go unfulfilled on the other end, and it doesn't matter because the offending party knows that i will
the catch 22 comes in because, if i stopped fulfilling what i perceive as my role in one of these said relationships, it would hurt me just as much as it does when the disappointment comes from the other end. i'm trying to decide how selfish this is, how to break this pattern. i can see it in so many of my relationships. i am stable, i am constant, i am a rock--and when i make myself unavailable, the shitstorm starts.
i'm thinking about two things, here: a friendship which means a lot to me, which, on one end (mine), means a bit more and has blurred romantic boundaries, and then there's the usual holiday bullshit i go through every year with my family.
this friendship has, over the past two years, been something which has been very important to me. it's faltered, and there's been a lot of anger and resentment which i keep thinking has been cleared up, but now i'm not so sure. add into that mix all these feelings i have (and in my head, that word comes out silly, with a long e--i'm making fun of myself, even if i don't need to be. maybe it makes it easier.), which are, apparently not returned--be it denial, be it a fucked of way of showing affection--and houston, we surely have a problem.
i've been trying to figure out the best way to resolve this, to fix the friendship and suture the tears it's created in that figurative part of my chest that supposedly radiates all the love a person has to give or whatever. i decided physical boundaries were necessary, which helped a bit. emotional boundaries were also put into place, but i think they were misinterpreted somehow, and it feels like this huge chasm. it feels like all the interactions since have been fearsome and partial.
then, if we were to lift all of that, would it go right back to where it was? if so, not good. i suck at holding back. let me rephrase: i don't suck at it; in fact, it's a talent i have. thing is, when i hold back, i become absolutely, relentlessly neurotic, as if i need any help with that.
so, i decided that silence would help. silence and the attempt to make it look like this person meant less to me than she does. this journal entry won't help, either, because i know she'll read it, but i guess that doesn't matter much. i remember her saying some time ago that she has always held me in the highest regard and that she questioned whether i did. the funny thing is that she is and has been one of my closest friends since we met. i can make myself vulnerable to her in ways which are tough for me to do with many others. i have trusted her implicitly (not the case now) and i feel like she's dropped the ball more than once.
so, really, how do we reconcile this problem? i don't know. i am constantly seeking a solution. maybe not in the best, most relevant ways possible. i sent a brief text about it last night and was met with, "i don't know, i have no solutions." so she's given up, she wants me to shut up, she's flipped the switch and, to me, it sounds like she doesn't care anymore. this is where my passive-aggressive side rears its ugly head. all i can think is, fuck it. why bother? i'm not being met head-on, here. i have too little time or space in my life for this bullshit and she's lucky i even bother to begin with. that doesn't seem right, though, not when i love her as much as i do.
and so i find myself coming to the same conclusion she has: i don't know, i have no solutions. i think the difference is that i'm willing to try, and i really don't feel like she is. but then we come back to the catch 22. i try because we all know i will, even though it hurts when she doesn't, but it'll hurt me when i stop, too. fuck.
then we have the problem of the holidays, a time of year which, when i was younger, was my favorite. i remember it being shimmery and perfect the way it's supposed to be when i was a kid. i can't remember when that stopped. maybe when i was in high school, maybe later. i know my attempts to make the holidays special outside of my blood family and within the confines of romantic relationships have failed, too.
i remember jessi and her indifference to thanksgiving with my family, her absence over christmas, and the way she went to bed before midnight on new year's eve and i found myself on our porch in sarasota crying when my mom called. i remember that kat spent a christmas with me and shit went down, but i don't remember specifics, and that's probably a good thing. in fact, i remember very little good coming of our relationship but the lessons i learned to make me the emotional disaster i am now, which i am thankful for. i just wish i wasn't so stubborn that taking my lumps meant trying to take my life. i am such an asshole sometimes.
it's not been any easier since i've been alone. every year becomes a financial struggle. and now that my family's splintered off to different states and i'm not the lone nomad, it makes it infinitely more difficult because, i swear, i'm the only one who gives a shit if we're in the same place for the holidays. it just means so much to me. it's all i want. and i don't know if everyone else just resigns themselves to the fact that it won't happen, and not because it can't, but more because they don't want to do the work. but i can't resign myself. the holidays, to me, mean family, and i do everything in my power to make it work. i ALWAYS make it work, and i can't figure out why this is so hard for everyone else.
thanksgiving was easier this year because there was no question. my grandparents just moved to orlando, they lost their home in miami, they say they're alright, but i want to see it with my own eyes. i want to make sure they're as happy as they can be, given the circumstances.
christmas is a different animal, though. i come up with solutions to get us all in one place and i'm told i'm whining because i place a time limit on a decision. just because i've always made it work doesn't mean that the burden should be made heavier. i'm terrible at planning and bad with money and i'm trying to be responsible on both ends here and make decisions and i'm being delayed because i can't expect that everyone will do their part.
i don't know where the key components of my family will be. i know one half will be in orlando. the other half is questionable. can they make it to florida? if not, i know that the holidays, for me, are not complete without having them all. i also know that this means several hundred more dollars come out of my pocket. this doesn't come without sacrifice.
i just wish someone cared enough to say, "hey, i know what you're trying to accomplish. let me help you plan." i'm not asking for money or gifts. i want my family for christmas because it's a gift i so rarely get. i have these little brothers who are getting bigger by the minute--i barely recognize tommy's voice anymore--and it was my choice to leave, but i try to be there when i can, and i don't think we need to make it anymore difficult. my grandparents are getting older, and one of my greatest fears is losing them. again, my choice to leave. my mom is one of my best friends, and her absence is felt everyday. my choice to leave. i know. it's also my choice to be there when i can, and i do my best, i just wish it didn't have to be this hard.
i want this christmas to be something special. last christmas was so difficult for me. it was the first one away from my mom, my brothers. it was so quiet. it hurt. christmas day was the last time i saw my dad alive. maybe i just want my gift to be feeling loved by my family in addition to having them present. i want to feel supported and present and like someone's proud of me, and the recognition of loss, even though no one ever thought it could be as hard as it's been. i wish that didn't feel like asking too much.
